I used to be a lawyer, but now I am a reformed
"A man who dies without a will has lawyers for his heirs."
Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first
lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and
started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy" you'll never be able to
outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
A lawyer drags in from a day on the golf course looking wasted.
His wife asks, "What's the matter?"
"My partner, Henry, dropped dead on the fifth green," the lawyer replied.
"That's terrible," said his wife.
"You'd better believe it," the lawyer said. "After that it was nothing but hit
the ball and drag Henry. Hit the ball and drag Henry...."
Q: What's the difference between baseball and law?
A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a
long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the
client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney wired the firm, "Justice prevailed."
The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately."
What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer Miles.
When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty;
When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace;
When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice."
"Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief."
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close
examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.
The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight to argue, 1 to get a continuance, 1 to object, 1 to demur, 2 to research
precedents, 1 to dictate a letter, 1 to stipulate, 5 to turn in their time
cards, 1 to depose, 1 to write interrogatories, 2 to settle, 1 to order a
secretary to change the bulb, and 28 to bill for professional services.
"The minute you read something you don't understand, you can be almost sure it
was drawn up by a lawyer."
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his
office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case
load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month."
He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, "What can I do
for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I'm just here to hook up your
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them
jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office-I forgot to
lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way, 'WHY DO YOU WANT A
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with
The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income
five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll
have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require
in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's
souls must rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?"
How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
She has an extreme craving for baloney.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
An ambulance backed up suddenly.
What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture eventually lets go.
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party.
"How's business?" asked the first.
"Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles.
When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals
a roast. The butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running
unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand
payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 (attorneys
don't carry cash; it's too plebeian).
Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the
lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replied: "Four!".
The accountant said: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulled the drapes, dims the lights and asked in a hushed voice, "How
much do you want it to be?"
The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem.
What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer
frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St.
Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer
was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the
lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a
comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your
clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were
guilty. 2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. 3)
Overcharging fees to many clients. 4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a
scapegoat was needed in a controversial case. And the list goes on for quite
awhile. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these
things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."
St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a
panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"
The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and
tell him to go to hell."
At the funeral of a lady was her doctor, a friend and her lawyer. Each had
promised her that at her funeral they would toss $1000 into her grave. The
doctor and friend each tossed in their $1000 cash, after which the lawyer
removed the cash and placed a check for $3000.
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had
solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the
Phoenicians invented money, there has been only one answer to that
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the
jury acquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came back to the judge who had
presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of
"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so
he went and took the car I stole."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your
background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under
oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's
grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl
asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
Lawyers are the only profession where the more there are, the more are needed!
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this
country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's
daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up
the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would
have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all
night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in
the family than a lawyer."
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for
all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're
going to find a lawyer?"
There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. -
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the
There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his
income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned
- Michael Lara
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a
bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it,
and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world
you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so
much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window
and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to
smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas,
nowhere in the world there is so many good cigars that we have so much of them,
that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas
through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
Lawyer through it...
Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their
car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they
knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of
the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds.
Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The
Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there.
It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with
pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom
door saying, "There's a cow in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a
cow! It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no
problem sleeping with animals. Two minutes later, the bedroom door burst open
and the pig and the cow entered...
Two lawyers made a date to have lunch together. The first person showed up on
time, but the second person didn't show until 1-1/2 hours after they were
supposed to meet...
1st lawyer: "How come you're so late?"
2nd lawyer: "Oh, I ran over a milk bottle and got a flat tire.."
1st lawyer: "A milk bottle? Didn't you see it in the road?"
2nd lawyer: "No - the kid had it under his coat..."
Legal business card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe - Attorneys at Law
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is
that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several
of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers,
including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets,
watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer
number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is
this?", to which lawyer number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."
Man goes to lawyer for help.
Man: What is your least expensive fee?
Lawyer: $50 for three questions.
Man: That's pretty expensive isn't it?
Lawyer: Yes. So what's your third question?
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open
them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second one said, "I think librarians are easiest to operate on. You open
them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third one said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and
everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless,
spineless, gutless, and their head and their tail are interchangeable."
"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel sharply, His Honor interrupted: "All right, now that both
attorneys have been identified, let's get on with this case."
A lawyer is driving his new, red, convertible BMW when he runs a red light and
is broad-sided by a Ford. He stumbles out in shock, all the while whining
"My Beamer. My poor Beamer". A cop arrives on the scene and points out
"Sir, your arm has been torn off". The lawyer looks at where his left arm used
to be and screams "My Rolex!!!"
Imagine the appeals, dissents and remandments, if lawyers had written 'The Ten
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly
cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair
amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess
blame for the accident on either, however. They both get out. One is a doctor
and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll
be there in 20 minutes.
It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a
drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back
to the lawyer, who puts it away.
"Aren't you also going to have a drink?" the doctor says. "After the police get
here." replies the lawyer.
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see
walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking
along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP"
and then he would swerve back on the road. This pastime was immensely enjoyable
to the truck driver. One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a
priest hitchhiking, so he thought he would do a good turn by offering the priest
a lift. He pulled the truck over and asked the priest, "Where are you going,
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
With that, the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck
driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking
down the road, and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered
there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back
to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he
missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the
noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and when he didn't see anything, he
turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged
her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another
$100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to
the attorney's mind, "Do I tell my partner?"
The temperature control in Hell went haywire and the heat started to make even
the condition in Heaven uncomfortable. St. Peter got Satan on the horn and
yelled, "You'd better fix that immediately or I'll sue."
On hearing that, Satan chuckled, "Oh yeah, how? I have all the lawyers down
here. And besides, how can I fix it when you have all the good engineers?"
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting
People were confused about which side to spit on.
Talk is cheap...until lawyers get involved.
"My daddy is a movie actor, and sometimes he plays the good guy, and sometimes
he plays the lawyer." - Malcolm Ford, to his preschool classmates on what his
father, actor Harrison Ford, does for a living.
Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight
about a dog?
When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of
them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
A true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us
began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do
any of you here today dislike lawyers?"
Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."