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Blondes
First Class
A plane is on its way to New York when a
blonde in coach gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The
stewardess watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the
blonde that she paid for coach and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm
staying right here!"
The stewardess goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that
there is some blond bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in coach and won't
move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she
only paid for coach she will have to leave first class and return to her seat in
coach.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm
staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting
when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to
speak blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she gets up
and moves back to her seat in the coach section.
The stewardess and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her
move without any fuss.
"I told her first class wasn't going to New York."
Two Blondes
Two blondes are walking down the sidewalk one
day when the one stumbles upon a Compact, curious, she opens it and says, "Damn,
this person looks familiar.
The other Blonde replies, " Let me see that"
and grabs it from her. She then replies back hastily, "Well duh, dummy, it's
me."
Car Keys
A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas
so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that
she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the
attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.
She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the
attendant goes outside to see how the blond is faring.
The blond outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while
the blond inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left... a little
more to the right!!"
The Prize Winner
A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She
looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab
and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given
away was a mini van!"
The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!" By this
time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't
possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor
home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A
BAGEL."
Final Exam
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of
"yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at
the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her
purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer
sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done
whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my
answers."
The Game
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to
NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired,
just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to
catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a
lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated,
says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know
the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and,
figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the
game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to
the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a
$5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and
searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends
e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes
the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to
get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the
blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00,
and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.
Magical Mirror
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and
relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the
ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said,
"Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror
which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with
a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into
the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette
said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three." and in an instant she was
surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us
three." and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked
into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
Indians they aren't
Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of
tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were. The first blonde
said, "I think they’re deer tracks!" The second blonde said, "I think they’re
dog tracks!" The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!" They
were still arguing when the train hit them.
Hammerheads
Two blondes are working on a house. One of them, who’s nailing down
siding, has been reaching into her pouch, pulling out a nail, and either tossing
it over her shoulder or nailing it in. The second blonde, figuring this was
worth looking into, asks, "Hey-how come you’re throwing half the nails over your
shoulder?"
The first blonde explains, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed
toward me, I throw it away because it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the
house, then I nail it in."
"You moron!" the second blonde yells. "The nails pointed toward you aren’t
defective. They’re for the other side of the house."
Fatal Attraction
A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure
enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She
opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with
grief and points the gun at her own head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t
do it." "Shut up," she says. "You’re next."
Blonde Jailbreak
Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette,
and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they
decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three
large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The
sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there
the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three
gunnysacks."
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the
first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told
the sheriff there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the
deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all.
So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".
The Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at
a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes,
when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've
heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think
you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have
to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women
like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full
potential as a person ... because you and our kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name
of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blond stops him.
"You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
Tired of blonde jokes
Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the
blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke.
She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with
these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and
did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state
capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of
Nevada?"
"N", she answered.
Emergency Flashers
A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases
it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the
trunk. Out jump two naked men in long trench coats, who walk to the rear of the
vehicle there they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats
and exposing themselves to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up.
The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle
yelling, "What in the world is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts in trench coats doing here with you on the
side of the road," asks the cop.
"Those are my Emergency Flashers!" replied the blonde.
The Interview
An executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his
company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If
you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
New To Boating
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an
hour east of Bakersfield, a woman, who happened to be blonde, and new to boating
was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her
brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it
was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she
applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a
nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what as wrong. A thorough topside check
revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine was fine, the
outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came
up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
The Passport Office
A blond from Arkansas is going on his first overseas trip. He drives
all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport.
In the passport office, the government official sees that he is visibly
puzzled filling his passport application.
The passport official looks over his shoulder, and sees the blond trying to
write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this
question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Does it matter?" the blond replied.
Flight School
A Blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to
fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to
instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent
her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The
view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry
that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile
away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened,
she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was
starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
The Puzzle
John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy.
"I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces
fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big Rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he
goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him saying, "Thanks for coming
over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen
table.
John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake -
put the cornflakes back in the box."
Bank Robbery
Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy
plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in
great detail.
The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and
says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are
supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the
cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said Buffie.
Buffie goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car. One minute
passes . . . Two minutes pass . . Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really
stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a safe
wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the
safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security
guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles
while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are
such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffie said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Judy. "I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
Drivers License
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her drivers license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you
guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my drivers
licence and then today you expect me to show it to you!!
Ice Fishing
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made
for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in
the ice. Suddenly--from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE
ICE!"
Startled, the blond moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE
ICE!"
The Blond, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice,
set up her stool, and tried again to cut a hole.
The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!"
Getting Lucky
There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and
she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while,
pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a
counter next to the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it
in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke
Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a
moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed
them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been
waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but
are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still
winning?"
Almost Got Caught
Three women who work in the same office
notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one
day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all,
she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early.
She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a
quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home
early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She
quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with
HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day the brunette and redhead talk
about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave
early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!"
51 Days
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the
door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar,
order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit
down at a large table.
The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and
chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows.
"51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are
joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth
blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets
the picture in the middle and the table erupts even more loudly in chant. Up
jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all
the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the
table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie
Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the
blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes
are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten
of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box
said 2-4 years, but we put it together in just 51 days!"
Baby On The Bus
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her
right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you
aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
Blonde Sales Woman
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He
parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular
sales woman.
Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily
greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her
help. She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just
saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
Blonde Driver
A state trooper pulls over a blonde on a lonely back road and says, "Ma'am,
is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an
accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. So, I swerved
to the left and there was another tree in front of me. Then, I swerved to the
right and there was another tree in front of me!"
The officer reached through the side window to the rear view mirror, and
explained, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
Flowers
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the
street and they pass flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend
buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is
buying me flowers again for no reason."
The blonde looks at her and says, " What's
the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette replies, "Oh sure...but I just
don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs up in the
air."
The blonde says, " Don't you have a vase?"
Dead Bird
There was a blonde and brunette walking through the woods. The brunette
pointed and said look a dead bird.
The blonde looked up and asked, "where??".
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