First Class
A plane is on its way to New York when a blonde in coach gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The stewardess watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for coach and that she will have to sit in the back.
   The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm staying right here!"
   The stewardess goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blond bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in coach and won't move back to her seat.
   The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for coach she will have to leave first class and return to her seat in coach.
   The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm staying right here!"
   The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
   The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the coach section.
   The stewardess and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
   "I told her first class wasn't going to New York."

Two Blondes

     Two blondes are walking down the sidewalk one day when the one stumbles upon a Compact, curious, she opens it and says, "Damn, this person looks familiar.

     The other Blonde replies, " Let me see that" and grabs it from her. She then replies back hastily, "Well duh, dummy, it's me."

Car Keys
A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.
     She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blond is faring.
   The blond outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while the blond inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left... a little more to the right!!"


The Prize Winner
   A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"
   The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"
   The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!" By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says,   "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
   Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
Final Exam
   The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
   During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
   The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
   "I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."

The Game
     A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
     Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
     The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
     Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
     And you thought blondes were dumb.
Magical Mirror
     A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
     The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three." and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
     The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three." and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
     Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

Indians they aren't
Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were. The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!" The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!" The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!" They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Two blondes are working on a house. One of them, who’s nailing down siding, has been reaching into her pouch, pulling out a nail, and either tossing it over her shoulder or nailing it in. The second blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asks, "Hey-how come you’re throwing half the nails over your shoulder?"
   The first blonde explains, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away because it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in."
   "You moron!" the second blonde yells. "The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective. They’re for the other side of the house."
Fatal Attraction
A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it." "Shut up," she says. "You’re next."
Blonde Jailbreak
Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
   About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."
   The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.
   Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
   Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".
The Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes!  What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?   It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and our kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."
   Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blond stops him.
   "You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
Tired of blonde jokes
Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
   Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."
   One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
  "N", she answered.
Emergency Flashers
A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two naked men in long trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle there they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers.
   Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.
   It's not very long before a police car shows up.
   The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What in the world is going on here?"
   "My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
   "Well, what are these perverts in trench coats doing here with you on the side of the road," asks the cop.
   "Those are my Emergency Flashers!" replied the blonde.
The Interview
An executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
   The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
New To Boating
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a woman, who happened to be blonde, and new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform.  It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.  After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what as wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine was fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
   So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
   Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
The Passport Office
A blond from Arkansas is going on his first overseas trip. He drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport.
   In the passport office, the government official sees that he is visibly puzzled filling his passport application.
   The passport official looks over his shoulder, and sees the blond trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.
   The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
   "Does it matter?" the blond replied.
Flight School
A Blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
   He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
   After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
   After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.
   The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
   A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
The Puzzle
John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy.
   "I've got a problem," says Buffy.
   "What's the matter?" asks John.
   "Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
   "What's the picture of?" asks John.
   "It's of a big Rooster," replies Buffy.
   "All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look."

   So he goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.
   John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake - put the cornflakes back in the box."
Bank Robbery
Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.
   The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said Buffie.
   Buffie goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car. One minute passes . . . Two minutes pass . . Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out.
   Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
   Buffie said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"
   "No, you idiot," said Judy. "I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
Drivers License
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her drivers license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my drivers licence and then today you expect me to show it to you!!
Ice Fishing
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
   After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly--from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
   Startled, the blond moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
   Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
   The Blond, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut a hole.
   The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
   She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?"
   The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!"
Getting Lucky
There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
   She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.
   Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
   She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
   As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"
   She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"

Almost Got Caught

     Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

     The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.

     The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.

     The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.

     The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!"

51 Days
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.
   The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
   Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts even more loudly in chant. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
   The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
   The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in just 51 days!"
Baby On The Bus
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
   She says, "Why, officer?"
   "Because your breast is hanging out."
   She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"


Blonde Sales Woman
   Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.
   Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.
   Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
   "Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
   "No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
Blonde Driver
   A state trooper pulls over a blonde on a lonely back road and says, "Ma'am, is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?"
   The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. So, I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. Then, I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
   The officer reached through the side window to the rear view mirror, and explained, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."



     A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and they pass flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

     She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason."

     The blonde looks at her and says, " What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

     The brunette replies, "Oh sure...but I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs up in the air."

     The blonde says, " Don't you have a vase?"


Dead Bird
     There was a blonde and brunette walking through the woods. The brunette pointed and said look a dead bird. 
     The blonde looked up and asked, "where??". 



Blonde One Liners

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
. . . She fell out of the tree.
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
. . . The cow stepped on her.
How did the blonde burn her nose?
. . . Bobbing for French fries.
Why do blondes have more fun?
. . . They are easier to amuse.
What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
. . . Frosted flakes.
What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes?
. . . The back of her head.
What do you call 4 blondes in a Volkswagen?
. . . Far-from-thinkin'.
Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
. . . They keep breaking them with the hammer.
Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
. . . She missed.
What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear?
. . . Data transfer.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
. . . "I wonder if it's mine?"
Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
. . . It takes too long to retrain them.
What do you call an eternity?
. . . Four blondes at a four way stop.
How do you confuse a blonde?
. . . Give her a package of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.


What did the blonde say to her boyfriend after he blew in her ear? 
. . . Thanks for the refill. 
Three people were walking down the street. Santa Clause, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde. They all saw a ten dollar bill on the sidewalk. Who got it? 
. . . The dumb blonde got it because the other two are fictional!


Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? 

. . . It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.


What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? 

. . . "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!


What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? 

. . . A dope ring.


Why can't blondes be pharmacists? 

. . . Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.


What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? 

. . . An air pocket.


What do you call a basement full of blondes? 

. . . A whine cellar.


Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? 

. . . "This Goes In Front."


What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? 

. . . "Oh, look!! Donut seeds!"



How blonde was she ???
She was soooooooooooooo blonde...
... she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
... she thought a quarterback was a refund.
... she thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center.
... she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
... she thought General Motors was in the Army.
... she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
... she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
... under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
... she tried to drown a fish.
... she tripped over a cordless phone.
... she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate".
... she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
... she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".
... they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
... at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius".
... she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
... it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".
... she studied for a blood test-and failed.
... she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train".
... she sold the car for gas money.
... when she saw the movie rating "NC-17: under 17 not admitted", she went home and got 16 friends.
... when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
... she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
... when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
... when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned around and went home.
... she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

... she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.

... she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

... if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.



Luke Spence